The places I didn’t intend to end up were just as beautiful as the places that were on the list.
“Living life to the fullest” isn’t a label you receive once you’ve got things all figured out. It’s what happens in the midst of daily choosing to be intentional and diligent and brave in the small things. In other words, wholehearted.
Maybe it was the elevation, or maybe it was the beauty that made my chest ache. The beauty of the foothills I was driving through seemed to reflect the foothills of this adventure I was embarking on. This was uncharted territory. Stripped of everything familiar, I felt exposed. It struck me that this trip felt a little bit like falling in love. That feeling when the whole world seems to have a filter of vibrant colors.
Fear wrote me a letter this week. A plea to just play it safe. Click the link to read my response.
The words that have shaped me the most haven’t been about the practical how-tos. Or the hacks of how to copy other people’s journeys. It’s been the statements that lead to the deeper reasons of why we go on adventures. It’s been the pointing out of lies that keep us from embarking.
Synchronicity is when the universe conspires with you, opening doors and providing what you need. On my trip to LA, I was hoping for some very tangible synchronicity. What I got was a reminder: that it is a partnership, a million micro moments of paying attention and receiving good things.
Maybe, when a certain number of women gather, it hits this critical mass of estrogen that just makes my skin crawl... Or maybe it's because I enter into the game of constant comparing. Feeling simultaneously too much and not enough. But choosing to fully inhabit my life means reckoning with these thought patterns and lies that have been a part of my narrative. It means choosing to change my frame of reference. It’s time to get over my allergy to large gatherings of women. And the vaccine is realizing that the comparison game is a dead end.
The process of transitions seemed to mirror my experience of hiking on the unfamiliar mountain trails that I went on these past few weeks while housesitting for some friends in Denver. We are all in the midst of Dead Ends, Forks in the Road, Feeling Lost but continuing just the same, and arriving at breathtaking vistas, only to continue on the adventure.
I don’t claim to have all the answers, nor do I want some enviable online presence that portrays a myth that I’ve got it all figured out. In my present state, I can’t claim any expertise, but I can say that I’m trying to live the questions. In this blog, I’m hoping to voice those vulnerable questions aloud. I think my ikigai right now is creating things that bring those connective and so needed for the human soul moments of “Her too? Oh, I thought I was the only one!”
The truth is, I’m walking contradiction these days. So many complex emotions are swimming around. I feel like I’m a pinprick away from a much needed ugly cry, and I’m also resting in a contented excitement over my upcoming adventure. I am delighting in this season, and also glad to be rid of it. If I start to zoom out too far, I get dizzy at the prospect of so many unknowns, but if I take just the next step, I’m fine. More than fine. Exactly where I’m supposed to be. I’m writing to you from the midst of all of this. And this post reflects the messiness I find myself in. Someone who doesn’t have all the answers, but I’m willing to step into the questions.